Personal motives and goals as well as internalized norms are stress-intensifying set points that represent the internal yardstick against which we measure the personal significance of everyday situations and requirements. Characteristic of stress-aggravating set points is a “must” thinking.

Motives, goals or internalized norms are elevated to absolute demands, the fulfillment of which is seen as absolutely necessary for one’s own well-being and self-esteem. Personal stress amplifiers ultimately consist of an exaggeration of inherently normal human motives. Let me present you to five very common personal stress amplifiers:

1. Be perfect!

Typical thoughts are:

• It is not acceptable if I do not manage to finish a job
• I always have to be there for my business
• There is nothing worse than making mistakes
• I must be relied upon one hundred percent
• I cannot afford to make a mistake

In the background of this stress amplifier is the achievement motive, the desire for success and self-affirmation by good performance. Those who are performance-motivated want to do something well, better or – best of all – best. However, if this motive becomes overpowering and is elevated to an absolute demand, it is combined with a pronounced susceptibility to stress, especially in situations in which setbacks, failure and personal mistakes are possible or threatening. Perfectionistic performance behavior attempts to avoid such situations at all costs. The problem here is not about constantly wanting to improve or striving for top performance. There are also, of course, areas of responsibility in which the highest degree of accuracy and perfection is required. This behaviour is becoming problematic when the perfectionist‘s striving for performance is carried into all areas of life and transferred to any professional task or private activity. Sooner or later, this inevitably leads to excessive demands which finally will end up in exhaustion.

Compensation and possible conducive attitude: I, too, am allowed to make mistakes.

2. Be popular!

Typical thoughts are:

• I don’t want/need to disappoint others
• It is terrible when others are angry with me
• I want to get along with everyone
• It is horrible when others criticize me
• It is important that everyone likes me

In the background of this stress amplifier is the attachment motive, the desire to belong, to be accepted and loved. When this motive becomes overpowering and an absolute demand, it is combined with a pronounced susceptibility to stress, especially in situations in which refusal, criticism and rejection by others are possible or threatened. It is also experienced as particularly stressful when one has to represent one’s own interests and disappoint others, or when there are conflicts, disagreements or similar situations with others. Such situations must be avoided or defused at all costs. This is attempted by putting one’s own interests aside and trying to please literally everyone. Even an excessive willingness to help is sometimes in the service of the “Be popular!” amplifier. Certainly, there are always situations in which it is necessary or appropriate to compromise, to give in and help others. Again, the problem lies in overdoing it, in “too much of a good thing”, which in the long run leads to self-overload and burnout.

Compensation and possible conducive attitude: I am allowed to say “no”.

3. Be independent!

Typical thoughts are:

• I prefer to do everything myself
• Strong people do not need help
• If I rely on others, I am doomed
• Nothing works without me
• It is terrible to depend on others

In the background of this stress amplifier is the autonomy motive, the desire for personal independence and self-determination. If this motive is overpowering and raised to an absolute demand, then it is combined with a pronounced susceptibility to stress, especially towards those situations in which a dependence on others as well as one’s own need for help and weaknesses are experienced or threatened. People with a strong desire for autonomy therefore prefer to carry out their tasks alone and deal with difficulties, worries and anxieties on their own. It is difficult for them to ask others for help or support and to confide in others. They try to maintain an image of strength and independence towards themselves and others at all costs. It is obvious that such behavior can easily lead to self-exhaustion in the long term. It is not the healthy striving for independence that exacerbates stress, but rather its one-sided exaggeration, which does not allow us to lean on others for help.

Compensation and possible conducive attitude: I am allowed to show weakness once in a while.

4. Keep Control!

Typical thoughts are:

• It’s horrible when something doesn’t go the way I want it or planned it to go
• It is important that I have everything under control
• When I have decisions to make I have to be one hundred percent sure
• I constantly think about what could happen
• It’s terrible when I don’t know what’s coming

In the background of this stress amplifier is the control motive, the desire for security in and control over one’s own life. When this motive becomes overpowering and an absolute demand, it is combined with a pronounced susceptibility to stress, especially in situations in which loss of control, wrong decisions and risks are possible or threatening. In order to avoid such situations, people with a strong striving for control try to have everything under control personally at all times.They find it difficult to delegate. They tend to worry constantly about possible risks and dangers, and it takes them a lot of time and energy to make decisions because of their fear to overlook possible risks. Thus, this stress amplifier can also promote self-overload and burnout in the long run, since one hundred percent security and control cannot be achieved. Especially in times of increasing uncertainty, the striving for security needs to be balanced by courage to take calculated risks, by letting go and by trust.

Balance and possible conducive attitude: I am allowed to let go.

5. Hang in There!

Typical thoughts are:

• Giving up is never an option
• I have to keep going by all means
• If I make a real effort, I will make it
• I absolutely have to endure the pressure (fears, pain, etc.)
• You have to be really tough on yourself

In the background of this stress amplifier is the central striving for pleasure gain and displeasure avoidance, which is not as strong as the other stress amplifiers, but on the contrary is too strongly suppressed. One is too hard on oneself. In the pursuit of goals, perseverance is considered to be the highest maxim. This can lead to not allowing oneself breaks, to ignoring or denying signals of one’s own need for rest, to holding on to unrealistic goals or unsolvable tasks for too long, thus driving oneself into exhaustion in the long run. Of course, it is an important, even necessary skill to overcome the desire to give up, to pursue goals, to be able to face unpleasant tasks in the pursuit of goals, and to leave one’s comfort zone. Problematic here is again the exaggeration, a “too much of a good thing”, which does not allow to rest once in a while and to avoid unpleasant things.

Balance and possible conducive attitude: I take care of myself.

To what extent do these five personal stress amplifiers also apply to you? I would be happy to help you track down your own stress-exacerbating motives, create your individual stress amplifier profile, and develop mental guards in the form of conducive thoughts.